A couple of jokes...

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.
Wow!” I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider;
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f**k off….

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A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well,the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

... Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either