A quick joke...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Erm... Joke?

Hands up all those that can't take a joke...

Shame to waste a good soapbox...

And another thing...

(deep breath... dodgy ground here)

ISLAM...

May I apologise in advance if I upset anyone... I know it's dodgy territory, but I promise... no cartoons!

My parents were christians... They had God... They muttered and complained when Life of Brian was released... BUT they didn't burn embassies, threaten to kill people or anything violent... they just muttered...

Now while I agree with the right to practice whatever religion you like, I must admit I'm getting oh so slightly tired of Islam...
For a religion that is as old as it is, you would kinda think that it could be better organised, more resilient, and generally more easy going

More organised as in there doesn't seem to be a concensus on condemnation of acts portrayed in the name of Islam, which most true Muslims seem to abhor too...

More resilient as in, surely if Islam has been around as long as it has, it doesn't have too much to prove...

And more easy going as in... CARTOONS ffs... no disrespect intended, but surely any god would have a sense of humour, or at least the opportunity to get his own back if he was really offended

I watch daily events with an impending sense of doom... The warmongers may be pulling the strings, maybe manipulating the press, and provoking reaction, but surely religion, if you have it, is a spiritual thing... why dirty that with political crap?

For the record, I try and avoid religion as much as I can. My soul is doing just fine... I try and treat people as I find them without having to conform to a view based on the hidden agendas of the religious elite. I'm sure most sane people that 'have' religion do so too... it's just a shame that...

a) That extremist views sell papers
b) That Islam is treated as the new evil
c) We can't all just accept that opinions are just the rantings of the individual, and shouldn't be treated as an indication of a nation's feelings

Just my view... don't crucify/torture/behead me for it...

My Space - My Arse

So Micro$oft decided to change the world again...

I'm not usually the Luddite, but what was wrong with the old profiles on messenger? You knew where you were with profiles... Mine had been there untouched since about 2002, and now it's a distant memory :(

At least on the default my space profile they have my occupation down as Barbarian, which raised a chuckle, but what of my flower arranging hobby, or my flagrant useage of Nietzsche quotes?

What would Micro$oft think if I chose to arbitrarily discard parts of their software? like the need to activate, or indeed buy their stuff?
Erm... ok... sounds like a fair deal to me

But did we need our 'own space'? Is this just Bill and his merry men trying to sugar coat the few remaining free speech arenas on the internet? We can't take the right to free speech for granted anymore it seems, what with the new religious incitement laws being shoehorned through parliament, and most of the 'free world' big internet companies rolling over on command from governments... (yes China, but also in the US as well...)

for the record Bill... 'My Space' begins when I turn off the computer, and dare to step outside... And if it's 'My Space' will I get a percentage of the advertising revenue for the adverts that I'm sure will cover our spaces?

A couple of jokes...

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.
Wow!” I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider;
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f**k off….

************************************************************************

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

************************************************************************

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well,the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

... Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either